beautiful.mess

My heart really does go out to all the friends and family of the dead no matter how they passed away, and my heart aches for all of the deceased, wondering where their souls are for eternity, but I agree with others - why does tumblr turn purple for all the gays that committed suicide, but not pink for all the breast cancer patients who had no choice?? Also, what about the millions of unborn babies killed every year who never even get the chance to live?? How about our soldiers dying overseas? What about all the martyrs across the world who are being persecuted and murdered for their faith? How bout all the loved ones lost on 9/11? The list could go on.

What About Them?

I have a headache, I’m dead tired but I don’t have time for a nap, I have SO much on my plate right now that I could quite, quite easily be overwhelmed and stressed…but it’s a gorgeous day outside, I’m sipping on some yummy hot coco, I’m alive, I had a day full of the blessing of learning, there are people that love me, there are people I can enjoy showing love to, and the little black letters on my arm: REMEMBER encourage me. It’s a reminder to keep working hard, count my blessings, pray for my friends, BREATH, know that the Lord is in control and He loves me and so, so much more. In the business of my days I often forget many important things, this is just a little way to tell me to stop, relax, and meditate-remember what really matters and give it all to Him.

Thank you God for the little things and thank you for this peace in the midst of the storm called life.

*Shakespeare- Write an entire essay, revise it and send it in. study quotes, vocabulary, terms, and class notes

*Chemistry- practice problems, extra practice problems & studying for upcoming test

*French- catchup work and new homework

*Speech- reading and questions in Debate book & practicing short speech

*Grammar lessons

*Government- reading, studying for quiz, taking quiz, & Constitution pages

*Christology reading

*A few chores

*figure out costumes and props

*Shower

*Pack books & a lunch & dinner for tomorrow

*sleep???

I think I can, I think I can….oh geez I can’t, God please help me >.<

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I’m a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I’m your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

feel like I’m trapped by me. Lord please set me free.

(1) Sometimes I get so tired,
Just trying to find a place,
To lay my head,
I look up to the sky,
I feel the warmest light comfort me,
I’ve seen the great heights,
Reminding me… that I’m alive,
I don’t wanna die,
I don’t wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there’s something more,
Than what we’re living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shores,
I know there’s something,
I know there’s something more.
(2) I think we’re all afraid,
That we might be alone,
Alone down here,
We all want to have some faith,
At least that’s true in my case,
To just believe,
I’ve seen the great height,
Reminding me… that I’m alive,
I don’t wanna die,
I don’t wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there’s something more,
Than what we’re living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there’s something,
This world may crumble,
Into the ocean,
It could all end tonight,
I undermined you,
Then try to find you,
My only source of light,
There breathing,
I am,
Breathing,
I am,
Alive,
I don’t wanna die,
I don’t wanna waste another day or night,
I know there’s something more,
Than what we’re living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know that I’m alive,
I don’t wanna die,
I don’t wanna waste another day,
Or night,
I know there’s something more,
Than what we’re living for,
I see it in the stars,
I feel it on the shore,
I know there’s something more

I didn’t know there was an end to ‘forever’ but I’m glad I had it for a time. I don’t know exactly how to heal this, it is supposed to heal completely, right? Will it ever? One memory drags along another with it till my head is full of you and me. Pictures, drawings, gifts…tears of sadness at the missing and tears of happiness at the remembering. Life goes on, my heart still beats, it’s not as bad as I’d imagined; but that doesn’t mean it’s nothing. Although it beats it is not whole, there’s a little piece missing and I wonder if you know it’s always yours. Not really by choice, but by the way things work, it will always belong to you. But if I had a choice I think I would give it to you freely, because although this heart thumps with pain sometimes for the wound of where it was torn, that piece was meant for you. Is it too much to ask that you would cherish it? I wish there was some way to get these jumbled thoughts and emotions into sensible sentences. We don’t want all of each other for forever because obviously it’s not His plan, there are others out there somewhere, but please don’t just forget. Is it possible to move on but not forget? I don’t know right now, but I hope that’s how it works.

I’m lost in dizzy thoughts and emotions every time we meet. What happened was real, have you already forgotten? Even if I said something would it be too late? Do I make it that easy to walk in and out of my life? I can let go of the past and accept what’s now but I don’t know what now exactly is. You used to think I was beautiful, eyes lit up when they met mine, went out of your way to make me feel loved, I knew how you viewed me. Now I feel like I’m under a microscope every time you look at me and I wish I knew what you see now. I wish you would understand what goes on in my head…am I ever in yours anymore? Playing it cool is fine but cold cuts deep. I feel like I’m in limbo somewhere in-between reality and wishes. This rollercoaster is too much; I’m ready to get off.

Am I mad? Sometimes. Injury usually comes with some anger. Am I sad? Of course. You can’t lose something so dear to you without at least a bit of sadness. But are you? At all? Because one question always remains: did I ever have a hold on your heart like you did mine because I feel empty handed at the end of this all. Do I hate you? Not at all. Do I still love you? I don’t know how to answer that question. I wish I knew the exact words to say to let you know what’s going on inside this head and heart, but I could live without another word to or from you. Funny huh. Sometimes I just have to laugh. Life is almost never as you plan, it’s in His hands, not mine, and so are you. I can’t hold your hand anymore, lay my head on your shoulder, whisper “I love you” into your eager, listening ear, and I can’t wipe away your tears or try to calm your fears and make everything ok. I can’t care for you and help you now, but He can. So I guess I need to learn to let go completely, place you in His hands. Heartsmile at the good and learn from the bad. You’ve helped me grow in ways you don’t even know. I don’t regret it, I hope you don’t either. I’m learning not to miss it too much. It lasted exactly as long as it was supposed to. I don’t know what the years ahead will bring but I do know that that year was amazing with you my friend. No matter what happens I wish you well.  

So instead of angry or sad words I want to say thank you. Thank you for the many good memories and gifts of love and for the learning and growth from this bittersweet experience. I kind of wish you knew how much I miss you, and wonder if you ever miss me. But I hope when you think of me you feel peace, not regret, I hope you feel like a better person and closer to Him because of it, I hope you know exactly how much I love you kid and hope and pray for the absolute best in this life for you.

It will never be the same between us, but I’m learning that’s ok. There is a time for everything and the time for that is over. Don’t know what’s now or ahead but I am content. I know you’ve already let go, maybe completely, but I want you to know somehow that I have too. I will always remember you, and care about you, but I’ve let you go.

God bless you boy ♥

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craniosynostosis

Doctors were pretty sure this was going to happen to me. Every so often I think about this and I’m overwhelmed. I could’ve had slight to pretty serious brain damage, and some sort of mishapen skull/facial features. My life would have been different to some extent or another; possibly drastically. I probably wouldn’t know all the people I do, wouldn’t have done most or any of the things I’ve done, I wouldnt be sitting at this computer forming these thoughts into words with every letter. When all this comes up, a few thoughts come to mind.

First off—        I. am. so. blessed.

So often I wish that I could just have a different life, that I don’t want mine, but that was so close to happening. I was close to not having this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life Im living. And I’m so happy that wishes dont always come true. That GOD is the one in charge not ME, because the thing I so often find myself wishing kind of subconsciously is, if I actually stop and think about it, a terrible thing and it scares me that it was so very possible. But then that makes me think…all of us very well could’ve had a different life. Somewhere along the line something could’ve happened, or not happened, and you would not be exactly who you are or where you are today. Maybe there wasn’t an actual medical scare like with me but never take your life for granted. You are blessed with exactly the life you’ve lived, are living right now, and going to live. Don’t wish for anything else and don’t waste a moment of what you have. Everything happens for a reason and you are who you are for a reason. You should always be seeking God and asking for his help and guidance for what comes next but never, ever question or doubt him or his plan for you. And don’t think you know, or have the right to know, those plans. The Bible doesn’t say “for you know the plans I [God] have for you…” it says “for I [God] know the plans I have for you…”

And that’s the way it should be. And If I’m honest with myself, the only way I would ever have it.

I could keep going with that, but basically the main point of that thought is I am so blessed to have the life I do, even tho I may not always understand it or feel I can deal with it. I can rest in his peace because I know he’s in control and that it’ll all fall into place the way he planned. Thank you Lord.

Another thought— Even if I’d had brain damage and been mishapen, I would still have had a beating heart and a soul.

What would it have been like? What would I have thought, done, felt? And, would you have loved me? Do I love people that this or other things have happened to? Probably I would not have known most of the people I do now, but if I did would they be friends with me? Would I ever feel loved? It’s overwhelming. And convicting. Those people that are different to us, in any way, maybe that we have a hard time loving or just don’t take the time to notice, they have a soul that’s going to end up somewhere forever, and they have a beating heart that feels joy or pain with each thump just like you and me.

“it’s what’s inside that counts” such a wonderful concept but when the heck do any of us actually believe it or live it out?! I’m tired of going through this life that I’ve been so blessed to have and wasting it with good concepts and good ideas and never putting them into practice. The time is now and the place is here, you could’ve never been here and now and you’ll never be here and now again, maybe you’ll be gone sooner than you could possibly imagine. So why hold back? As God’s children we are his salt and light, supposed to be so filled up with his love that it comes pouring out on everyone around us. So why do we think we can pick and choose who is worthy of that love? Why do we put constraints on it? We cannot put out the light or fully pack away the love, so why do we try? Lets starting truly loving, not just are amazingly fantastic friends who are such a blessing, but even our enemies and the ‘inbetweens’ who so easily go unnoticed.

Stop focusing on only you and your little world.

Start noticing.

Stop holding back the wonderful gift you’ve been given.

Start living.

Stop judging other people on outward appearances or ignoring them because of their differences.

Start loving.

“My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I’m thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while ‘til I’m gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won’t
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some sh— so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel”

-The Prayer, Kid Cudi

Often I wonder,

If I died today, what would you remember?