beautiful.mess

major pet peeve/insecurity : people not replying to texts speedily or not at all.

especially if I’m still not comfortable in the friendship…

:p

I have really beautiful friends (: Thank you Lord for showing me your creativity, diversity, beauty, and love through those you surround me and bless me with.

::I’m a wreck and I know it and I tend to show it every chance that I get::

:p

Recently I’ve had a lot of questions about my faith and the God who made me. I started meeting with my friend and youth pastor once a week to talk about life over all and have some of those questions answered. At first it was super exciting and I felt like I was growing in my faith, then this week I hit some really hard questions and was crazy discouraged. “I just can’t make sense of this. I absolutely don’t want to turn away because I know nothing else is the truth and nothing else will satisfy, but if this is the truth why is it so hard to comprehend or understand, or sometimes totally agree with?!” I hated this feeling of questioning God but I didn’t want to just brush any questions under the rug; I so long to grow deeper in my faith, know more about Him, be able to give an answer for the hope which lies within. Then today I heard this song by Addison Road, “What Do I Know of Holy”. The lyrics are very powerful and really spoke to me; here they are:

——————————————————————————————————————-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVScvSBsm40 (<— the song)

“I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?”

——————————————————————————————————————-

God is Holy. He is above all else. He is outside of space, time, etc. because He created it all. He is outside of our knowledge because He created us. What could I possibly know about His holiness? How could I ever even come close to comprehending His glory? Is it wrong to search for answers about Him and my faith? No, not at all. Is it wrong to long to know more about spiritual things? Definitely not. I am an eternal being and so my heart and soul long for eternal things. I am an intelligent being and so my mind thirsts for knowledge. I am His creation so I crave to know my Creator. That’s how He made me, there’s nothing wrong with it. Where I err is when I doubt God because I cannot understand. When I give way under the tension satan so greatly enjoys.

Isaiah 64:8 “Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

Romans 9:20 “But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’”

Isaiah 45:9 “What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, ‘Stop, you’re doing it wrong!’ Does the pot exclaim, ‘How clumsy can you be?’”

Isaiah 29:16 “You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, “He did not make me”? Can the pot say of the potter, “He knows nothing”?”

Man, have I been some stubborn clay! :p My mind was created by Him, so why do I ever think for a moment it could entirely understand Him?

“Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey”

How mindblowingly true. You will never be happy in Jesus, never be content, and never have peace if you’re constantly doubting God and debating his Word like you are on the same level as Him. It’s not blindly following like a robot, its placing your life in bigger hands, the ones that created it in the first place. He’s holding you, stop struggling.

I still have questions and I will always be searching to know Him deeper and learn more of His plan for my life, but, by His grace, He’s bringing me to a point of profound peace; and it’s incredible.

God bless whoever is reading this. Find your all in Him (:

“Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God
All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God”

although I am quite tired ((thanks sister ♥ ;p )) I rather enjoyed my classes, and had fun studying in the car/listening to music/dancing barefoot in the parking lot with one of my best friends. Now I’m home enjoying the marvelous weather, a juicy plum, and more good music. And I’m actually excited to tackle today’s mountain of homework. Bring it ON!! :D

So often I wish I could take a break. Just forget about everything for a little while and go somewhere else. But I’ve realized it really wouldn’t help. Because the only way to climb a mountain is to walk towards it and start climbing. Life and reality is the same way, there’s no way to move forward, get past things, start new adventures, accomplish anything and get anywhere but to go forward and start really living - DO something. Maybe that’s incredibly simple and I’m just being Captain Obvious, but I’ve found I have a horrible tendency to run away and close off. I continue in the same bad habits expecting better results and when I realize it’s all crashing down, once again, I freak. I’m in a silly cycle of emotions and bad habits and for some reason I refuse to change - refuse to get up and move forward; because it’s terribly difficult. I just run away and constantly look for the easy way out. And at this point I feel like I’ve said “this is enough, it ends today” so many times that that statement no longer holds any weight, to others and even to myself. I believe I will let myself down so I do. But it’s wearing me out, and it’s definitely wearing others out. I really am so very, very tired of it. so I pray that it will end. now. I want a new beginning, a start-over in Him. I want to entirely give up my life, my comforts, my weaknesses and insecurities -ALL of it, right now - so I can be completely filled with Him.

I was enchanted to meet you

bonjour encore mon ami

(:

comfy pants, nightgown, sweatshirt, no make-up, messy hair; nice weather, comfy couch, actually rested for once, lotsa schoolwork. then St Patrick’s day party tonight!

good day.

//I once was lost, but now I’m found

I once was lost, but now I’m found

So far away but I’m home now

I once was lost but now I’m found

and now my lifesong sings

I once was blind, but now I see

I once was blind, but now I see

I don’t know how but when He touched me

I once was blind but now I see

and now my lifesong sings

and now my lifesong sings

and now my lifesong sings

I once was dead but now I live

I once was dead but now I live

now my life to You I give

now my life to You I give

now my life to You I give

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Let my lifesong sing to You

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Let my lifesong sing to You

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Let my lifesong sing to You//

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx1_7gfCy38

weeelllpppp. I’ve backed myself into a corner.

again.

shoot.

>.<

just so happens that when I have the most homework to do those are usually the moments I can think of 5 million other things I would rather do/I have practically zero motivation to tackle the hUGe task ahead of me. grrr. 

::I wish I wasn’t so fragile
cause I know that I’m not
easy to handle

Oh, please
Don’t forget you love me
Don’t forget you love me::

why am I always so scared of not being loved?

aglimpseofsunshine:

contentment= choosing to love the things that God has given you without comparing with others or wanting more.

choose it.

don’t go with the boy that says he’d swim the ocean for you. trust the man that desires nothing more than to drown in the Father’s love with you.

don’t fall for the muscular cutie who says he’ll support you with all the strength in him. love the man who fully admits his complete weakness and hands that over to be filled with the Lord’s strength to care for you.

don’t swoon at the model who thinks you’re the cutest, most attractive couple out there. smile at the man who cannot wait to be filled with Christ’s pure beauty together so as a couple you can strive to share that beauty with this weary world.

love the man that wants nothing more than to complete you by constantly bringing you with him to the cross and realizing that only as a strand of three cords will you have a joyful ever-after.

I cannot wait for that man, but he is most definitely worth waiting for, and preparing for! :D   

yup. I’m in love with Schuyler Fisk’s voice.

check her out.

Some kinda magic//happens late at night

When the Moon smiles down at me

and baths me in it’s light.

I fell asleep beneath you//in the tall blades of grass

when I woke the world was new

I never had to ask.

It’s a brand new day. The sun is shining, it’s a brand new day

for the first time in such a long, long time I know

I’ll be okay.

Most kind of stories//save the best part for last

And most stories have a hero who finds you make your past your past

yeah you make your past your past.

It’s a brand new day. The sun is shining, it’s a brand new day

for the first time in such a long, long time I know

I’ll be okay.

This cycle never ends//gotta fall in order to mend.

but it’s a brand new day. It’s a brand new day. And for the first time in such a long, long time I know

I’ll be okay.

will finish writing a letter tonight…and away it will go tomorrow…

I so often feel so very inadequate. the beautiful thing is I have Him and that’s beyond adequate. forever.

gonna go clean my room, have a smoothie, take a shower, curl up on my couch which is clothed in warm sunlight, and begin Northanger Abbey - Jane Austen ((times like this where I deeply long for a bay window)), do french, shakespeare, and chemistry homework, and maybe, just maybe, get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Good day ♥

I love my sister. so very, very much.

♥

All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

sometimes ‘goodbye’, to whatever extent, is the best thing you can give someone.